Samus is my Vegan Mom
by Bubalubagus
Summary: Wouldn't it be cool to have the galaxy's strongest bounty hunter as your mom? Kevin doesn't seem to think so, but Samus has a surprise for him that might just change his mind!


My name is kevin aran, My parents were killed by space pirates, but I was adopted by Samus Aran. You may think that living with the galaxy's greatest bounty hunter as your mom would be cool, but it isn't.

I was 14 years old, and I was on an isolated space colony where only Samus and I lived, I walked down the expanse of the chrome hallways, a contrast to the void showing through the windows. A true scene from the future, Kevin felt uneasy being so close to the doom inducing pit of outer space, and the quiet, cold, blank white rooms reminded him of a hospital. He felt sick, He wanted to leave for a bit.

"KeeEeEEEeeVin!" Called his Mom, "Yes Mom?" Kevin yelled back, he couldn't see her, but the enclosed space of the facility carried sound, and their voices echoed well back and forth with each other. "I need you to go to the store and buy me more vegan ice cream!" she said.

Kevin looked through the labyrinth of rooms for his mom while talking to her "Mom there are no stores left" he said "What do you mean there are no stores left?" she asked irratabley. Kevin opened up a door at random as he had been doing, and found his mom within.

"What do you mean there are no stores left?" she asked again, softly this time, and with a look of concern on her face. Kevin stepped forward but stopped short when he noticed something "M-Mom, have you been drinking again?" asked Kevin, as a bottle of liquor rolled out from under his foot. "Who CaReS WhAt I've bEEn Doing?" said Samus, speech slurred.

She had really let herself go after becoming a mother, plus she saw one of those mcdonalds truth videos, and ever since then she's become a vegan. As such she can't bring harm to any animals, allowing the space pirates to run rampant, that's why there were no grocery stores nearby, it's because the space pirates had conquered and destroyed most of the galaxy.

She'd lost her touch at genocide that's for sure

"Mom I can't get you Ice cream, the space pirates have control of all the resources, we only get what they give us in rations, we can't just go but more." said Kevin, disappointment was evident in his voice, they had been through this bit many times, but when she's drunk like this she doesn't think logically "I have no idea how you're able to keep getting alcohol, don't you think that's endangering us?" asked Kevin.

"You know what, fuck it" said Samus "Mom?" asked Kevin nervously "Ever since I adopted you, I went soft, I stopped bounty hunting, became vegan, did all this stupid ass mom shit. I'm sick of it!" she announced, suddenly standing up from underneath her pile of booze "Uhhhh, is this the alcohol talking?" asked Kevin, still apprehensive about his mother's mental state.

Samus staggered out of the room, ignoring Kevin. Kevin followed her down the maze of halls "Where are you going?" he asked, but she didn't say anything, they just progressed down an unfamiliar sequence of corridors until they arrived at a sealed room.

Samus didn't even bother opening the door, she punched it down in a drunk fury. "Oooookayyyyyyy…." Kevin said, starting to get a little scared, his mom went into the dark room. He waited for a couple minutes wondering what was-

SKADOOOOSH!

That was the sound of a missile colliding with Kevin, his puny little paper mache toothpick body was not chad enough to circumvent the sheer dynamism of the force being delivered to him. Raw velocity beyond your conception sawed through Kevin's flesh as kinetic energy converted into thermal energy, rapidly expanding into a reserve of incendiary material whose combustibility shook even the titanium foundation to a pitiful quiver.

That was just the force of the impact.

The warhead erupted like my ass after taco bell, a compressed jet stream of fire and smoke punctured through Kevin's body, boiling his blood into steam and melting his flesh and bone, the proximity of this was enough to disintegrate his skin as if it were dry straw, evaporating in an instant. As the flames stabbed through him they were given sudden room to expand, Kevin's body registered the force and swelled like dig dug shoved hose up his ass, light peeking through where his skin was stretched thin. The geyser of flames filling him pushed him to a point of terminal corpulence, popping his body like a fat tik, blood sloshing everywhere, not even touching the ground before it became particles in the air.

Unrestrained by Kevin's body, the explosion rocked the room, an orb of destruction grew from the point of impact and created a radius of incandescence, whose restrictions were merely the walls surrounding it. Lava poured down from all around as the steel foundation gave in to the mighty flames and sank to the ground, the quaking explosion tore through the wall weakened by the blast as the smoke was sucked out into the void of space along with charred shreds of Kevin's body.

Samus stepped out.

"Sorry Kevin, but you were the source of my weakness, now I don't need you to get vegan ice cream for me, I'll get it myself, and I'll kill anyone to do so." Said samus in her fully powered suit, arm cannon still smoldering from the super missile she just launched. Wasting no time Samus boarded her ship and took off.

At the space pirate mothership, Ridley was sitting on his little bird perch because he's a bird, and he was about to eat the last Halo-Top Vegan Ice Cream in the universe whenever he felt a gust of wind raze past his ear violently. He turned to see what it was that flew past his head and saw his….. Door? The door to his room was lodged in the walls behind him, smoking from where it was struck. ' _Huh, that's weird, how the hell did my door get in my wall?_ ' he thought in his head. Actually what he really thought was ' _SQUACK! SQUACK SQUACK!'_ but I like to think he has human thoughts ' _But wait a second, if my door is in my wall, doesn't that mean that somebody-!_ '

Before Ridley could even turn around to see that Samus had broken into his room she was already on top of him, prying open his mouth before turning into a morph ball and dropping a hot dook down his throat and closing it.

"~sq-sq-squack?!" he muttered through his teeth as Samus was holding his mouth shut. The bomb went off inside of Ridley, the force was held back by his head and all deflected into his neck and below, where he just instantly exploded as his body puked blood and guts from every opening created, draining him like a pot of al dente pasta, which is almost as delicious as the vegan ice cream Samus got.

The End.


End file.
